From the screenplay, I noticed these things about myself:

1.) I can hold a conversation however, I have to make sure I’m careful to let other people have their opportunity to speak.

In reality though, I started this life on Earth with a speaking problem that caused my many of my peers to ridicule me, which somewhat lowered my self-esteem and my will to speak. With God’s provision of a speaking therapist, the improvement made a world of difference. During this phase of my life, God revealed one of his gifts in my life, which was writing. But anyone who happens to meet me today would not imagine that I ever had a big stuttering problem in life. 

You know, it is so ironic that I’ve been blessed to speak well in front of big audiences and with my peers after having a speak problem. I would say, starting from high school, a lot of my peers (some older too) would rely on me for advice; and that, I would give them. Surprisingly, at my family church in Little Rock, AR (Greater South Temple COGIC), usually I would be asked to give the sermons during the youth services/ programs. Personally, speaking with people (whether verbally or artistically) and listening to people have always been my two ways of  helping people out and helping myself out.

Overall, people always thought that I had something good to say to speak to their current situations, in which, at most times, it did.  Since I’ve offered my peers with helpful advice for some time now, it has become a habit for me to assume that I always have to speak. But in all essence, I love to listen and watch life unfold more than anything. And although people around me think that I’m a great person, I’m hearing this small voice inside of me telling,

“You’re talking too much. And you know Pat, all the person really wanted you to do was just listen. Argh Pat, just listen. Argh Pat, although you love details because you feel that it really puts something into perspective however, there’s no need for you to include that this time–if they want to know more, let them ask. Pat, you said that already–was it necessary to say it again?”  

Personally, I know the value of just being heard. Being heard could be a life changing experience. As a young African-American blessed to do much, I rely on close friends older than me to confirm whether I’m on the right track. And I love them to death for just taking time out of their busy schedule to hear and correct my thoughts or tell me that I’m on the right track. Right now, I’m trying to find the balance again where I can speak when needed but importantly be the listener and observer that I’ve always been. So, why do I want to balance my speaking and listening time? Not only will it be beneficial for my future experiences down the road but specifically, it will be beneficial to my brothers and sisters in Christ, my friends, my immediate family, my family to raise, my students, fans, etc.

You know the saying, “It’s easier sound than done.” That’s true some cases but, not in this case. I’ve made the correction once I noticed that speaking was becoming a problem. Now, I’ll just have to grow in it. 

2.) The second thing I learned was that: I should be not anxious for anything. 

I was led back to Romans 5: 2-5 (KJV)

2. By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.

3. And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;

4. And patience, experience; and experience, hope:

5. And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.

With my gift of writing, God knows that I want to touch a lot of people with my writings however, if I only touch myself with them then I will be fine with that.

With my gift of music, God knows that I want to touch a lot of people with my compositions, my piano play (as David moved King Saul with his harp-play), and singing however, if my musical abilities were only meant for them to bring me closer to God or to understand his grace and love more me better than I’m cool with that.

With my gift of bring solace when I’m around familiar and foreign people, God knows that I want to grow as a peacemaker among the people however, if God asks me to leave the scene for a while so that people may know the difference when Godly people are not around than, I’ll be cool with that because I know that I gain my peace from Jesus.

With the strength and wisdom that God has given me, God knows that I want to the muscle in my back and the cells in my brain to set up a house for my family that I could only dream of when I was growing up however, if God told me that I would have to wait 15 more years before I may gain enough favor with him to be blessed with my family to attend to and raise than, that’s why I have Romans 5:2-4 to keep me of good cheer because:

3.) And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;

4.) And patience, experience; and experience, hope.

Abraham and Sarah waited so many years before she could conceive a child;

through Job’s story, I learned that tribulations occur to the just and the unjust but they brought forth patience, which is something I would need when dealing with family so I won’t be a father who abandon his family when things get tough,

 when a person breaks a bone, that bones become stronger than before. That’s experience.

People waited ages for a Messiah; God’s prophets established that hope in the people through their teachings so that when he really came the people had enough hope to realize that Jesus was that Messiah that we all have waited for. Hope keeps positive things on our minds although we may find ourselves in the ugliest of situations. Knowing that God is able to do anything is hopeful as well.

So, Patrick (I talk to myself sometimes haha) don’t be anxious for anything. Just be hopeful and continue to pray so that God may prepare your way for you. And don’t faint in your prayer life.

3.) Remain Confident and don’t conform for anybody because you can’t make anyone fall in love with you.

Maybe in junior high or in high school, I would lose all confidence when someone rejected me. However, I crucified that mentality (haha). Although I respect those who take part in arranged marriages however, I cannot allow someone even date me if they are not feeling me because my ultimate goal as a future boyfriend, fiancé, and then the transitional phase into a husband is for my wife’s genuine happiness–point blank. Now, I won’t sell my soul for her but she will know that she’s loved.

So when dealing with people, I tend to be real about who I am. Although I’m a very diverse person but still, my core will not defer. But in rejections, I’m learning patience, and in patience, I’m gaining experience, and experience (after seeing that I’m really discovering what I really want in a wife plus learning about myself) I’m gaining hope. Eventually, I’ll gain my prize. Haha. Eventually!

So I know that I’m not perfect because I still have somethings to work on in all areas of my life. But I am grateful that I’m where I’m at right now. I have the mind to improvement myself so that I will be a better man. Although my father was not around to see me undergo some of the transformation that I underwent, today he always let me know that he’s proud of me. And you know, I’m proud of him to because he is keeping up with me and my heart has soften to want to keep up with him. My mother done a great job. I’m grateful to what I have become. Striving to be something even better the next day.

If this doesn’t touch you then, I’m grateful that it moves me. I told you all, “I talk to myself.” haha

Much luv and peace.

Truthanluv aka Pat

(Heads up: Part 1 is in a screenplay form. Each part of this saga would be presented in a form that comes out of me at the time of writing it. As readers (if there are any), I’m warning you to expect many forms because I’m just a diverse person.)

ACTION!

Proverbs 18:22 (KJV)

Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord.

Proverbs 18: 24 (KJV)

A man that have friends must shew himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.

Hello Everyone,

This is my story. A story about what? This post is the beginning of a series of post that I would be posting leading up to my own wedding day. I’m sure that the Searching for Her saga will continue on after that big date (Searching for Her: Treasure Found saga,etc.) but in the meantime, this is the beginning of an aspect of my life story (initially). Personally, the two biblical verses that I used as openers are verses that mean a lot to me. In later posts, you all will learn why.

But this brief episode is the saga’s intro, which is called, “Where I’m At Now”

Opening scene

So a lovely friend of Patrick’s invites him to a Christmas Eve event held at her church on 12-24-2009. After the service, there is an Open House event held at one of her church member’s house. There are crowds of people everywhere; the house feels no need to scream, “It’s too stuffy in here, which prohibits me from breathing.” Along with the crowd of people, all of them bring their appetites, which differentiate among the people. However, the host frets not. Patrick’s gigantic appetite has followed him and the brother of a new friend’s appetite has followed him too. While everyone else are fellowshipping and munching on their food, the two gentlemen are chilling in a corner of the enormous living room downing their rice with Mexican gravy and meat and some chicken pot pie while in between holding an introductory conversation–chew, swallow, talk, excuse me, then repeat the cycle. Who knew that the conversation would led to them talking about Patrick’s pursual of a wife.  

The brother sits on a chair near the fireplace while Patrick sits on one half of a piano bench–acute from each other.

My Friend’s Brother: So Patrick, with all of your plans mentioned, where does your wife fit in into that?

Patrick: My wife? (How did he know that I’ve been thinking about a wife for awhile?)

While he prepares to reply, Patrick takes a quick bite of his chickenpot pie.

My Friend’s Brother: Yes, when will you make time to find your wife?

Patrick grins. Then, I guess the question makes him reposition himself on the bench. He leans forward with his plate in his left palm and his shiny metal fork resting 3 inches above it.

Patrick: Sir, it’s funny that you will bring that up…

After tucking his fork underneath his chickenpot pie, Patrick taps him on the knee cap.

Patrick: … you know, these days I’ve been thinking about finding a wife. No, a matter of fact, I’ve been looking for a wife.

While Patrick’s friend’s brother leans back in the wooden chair, his wife beside me leaves her half of the piano bench with a smile on her face while heading to the kitchen area.

My Friend’s Brother: Oh really!

Patrick: Yeah, I have. I always believed that if you can grasp something then you can achieve it.

The brother laughs in confirmation.

My Friend’s Brother: That sounds wise.

Patrick swallows his potato salad, and prepares to finish his previous thought.

Patrick: And I strongly believe that “When a man finds a wife, he finds a good thing, and God has found favor with him when he has provided him with a wife.” (Proverbs 18:22)

The brother giggles. Slyfully, he winks at his wife while she returns to her half of the piano bench. She begins conversing with her friends sitting adjacent from her again.

My Friend’s Brother: Yeah, trust me Pat. She definitely will mean you well. See, my brother and I we found our wives in Michigan.

Patrick puts his plate down on the floor beside him. His friend has his full attention more than before now. This is the stage where Patrick asks more questions.

Patrick: Hey, where did you say you and your brother were from again?

My Friend’s Brother: We are both from Northern New Mexico.

Patrick: Ok, but you found your wife from Michigan?

The brother grins because he sees that he has caught my attention too.

My Friend’s Brother:  Yes.

With Patrick knowing what he’ll say next, he grins. the brother prepare himself.

Patrick: So, since I’m from Arkansas, should I like you look to find my wife from the Northern part of the United States?

My Friend’s Brother: LOL

Patrick: I mean, you are from the Southwest and you found your wife from the Northeast part of the United States?

My Friend’s brother: You know Patrick, I really haven’t looked at it like that before.

Patrick: Yeah, I’m always looking for new paradigms in viewing things.

My Friend’s Brother: Pat, look around.

They both scan the room.

My Friend’s Brother: Where you are at at this very moment, why would you have to go to the North?

With a sense of confirmation, Patrick replies.

Patrick: Sir, I wear glasses, which enhances my ability to see all of this beauty in this room.

They both look around the room again and begin to laugh.

In Unison: Yes sir!

Patrick: You know sir, it’s not that I haven’t been looking in Las Cruces, New Mexico.

My Friend’s Brother: So, you have been looking? Have you found any potentials?

(As Jacob wrestled against the Angel declaring that, “I won’t let you go until you bless me,” I feel like I wrestle with God with the issue of receiving my other half, which is my wife. Iron sharpens iron; a 100% meets another 100%, which equals a 200% but when divided by two, this sum becomes a unified 100%, a stronger 100%)

Patrick: Oh, I’ve been looking and I’ve found a few potentials. All of them are proving to be great friends, which is something I value tremendously because I would want my wife and I to be the best of friends. Once I had a pastor tell the congregation something about Jesus. Jesus did not only offend the rich and the prideful but, Jesus offended everybody. He said things that people wanted to hear and he said things that people did not want to hear but they knew that it was right.

The brother repositions himself in his sit; he leans forward a little bit now.

A Friend’s brother: He sure did.

Patrick: So with Jesus’ example, the pastor informed the congregation that, within a true relationship of any kind, if someone is prohibited from saying something that may offend someone, although it may be the truth, then that’s not an relationship in the first place. If you really loved someone the way that Jesus did then, we all know that only through the precious blood of Jesus Christ that our sins are truly covered. However, when Jesus spoke to the multitude, he gave them hope through his promises but he also called people out too. For instance, when speaking with the Samaritian woman at the well, he informed her to “Be with your own husband.” When speaking with the adulteress who was about to be stoned, he told her, “Sin no more.” See, all types of relationship should work in this fashion, I believe. There should be this bitter-sweet aspect to all relationships, especially in both individuals’ communication towards each other, if both persons really want to consider themselves in any type of relationship at all. Jesus spoke with truth and in love. I would want my wife and I to speak in truth and love as friends first because I feel that this will prepare us for the promotion later in life.

With excitement and a grin to show on the brother’s face, he speaks.

My Friend’s Brother: Boy! If I had a daughter, I would have secretly signaled her over hear to listen to you speak. I would ask you could you add her on the list as one of your potentials.

We both laugh! He continues.

A Friend’s Brother: So, you have found a few potentials, so what’s the hold up?

With an expression of someone giving up, I speak.

Patrick: Let’s just say that they are not on the market now for varies reasons.

A Friend’s brother: Oh really! (giggles)

Patrick: Yeah, one is recovering from scars from a previous relationship. Another one is undergoing a transitional phrase in her life and since I’ve been through moments like that, I totally respect her decision of not looking for a relationship. The latter female values our friendship but I love her honesty in letting me know that she isn’t attracted to me either. I’ll have to receive some therapy after that remark!

They both laugh.

Patrick: Naw, I’m joking about the last part–the therapy. But I will ask some close friends of mine, “If a person is not attracted to you then, does that mean they will never be interested?” But that conversation would happen on another day.

My Friend’s Brother: Well, I guess that’s that bitter-sweet communication that you are looking for.

Patrick laughs at the brother’s jab.

Patrick: Yeah, you’re funny! But definitely, that is the type of communication that I’m looking for in any relationship. So, when will I incorporate a wife into my plans, brother I’ve tried and I’ve tried to act on it. However, rejections hurt after awhile.

They both laugh at the comment.

Patrick: These are the moments when I ask God, “Is it in your will for me to be married? And if so, should I be looking now?” God knows that I desire a family, with a beautiful wife (spiritually beautiful, naturally beautiful, and intectually and socially beautiful) to raise some beautiful children and I strongly believe that He will bless me with her.

My Friend’s Brother: I’m definitely sure He will do just that. But I guess your main concern is “When will He do that,” am I right?

Patrick: Yes sir! And that’s one area of my life where I steady wrestle with God like how Jacob wrestled with the angel. Because scriptures instruct me to find a wife but it seems like I should not even be looking for her because things are not clicking. Then, I’m reminded of Matthew 6:33, which reads, “First seek ye the kingdom of heaven and His righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you.” With this scripture and Proverbs scripture about a man who finds a wife finds a good thing, I’m left strectching my head with the question,

Said as an overexaggerated plea.

“GUIDE ME because I know not what I’m doing or what I should be doing.”

We both laugh.

(But within Patrick’s heart, his sincerity is totally genuine.)

My Friend’s Brother: Well Patrick, it will all make sense when it makes sense. Just keep on believing, keep on achieving, and keep on waiting. It will work out.

Patrick: Yeah, I have to hold on to the fact that, “Everything works out for the good of those who loves the Lord.” Proverbs 3:6 encourages me too. I feel like as I grow older my trust in God has to increase. Though I trust in God, as mentioned before, I’m wrestling with Him now and I’m at a standstill. All I know is that I should continue to use the air that He gives me to breathe and eat the food that He gives me to eat and sleep on the mattress that He has provided for me to sleep on and use the gifts that He has given me the opportunity to multiply and love and forgive the people that He has called me to love and forgive. Besides that, I give up!

Patrick shakes his head while smiling. The brother laughs.  

My Friend’s Brother: Well, you would have more time to accomplish all that you desire to.

Patrick: You’re right but I think that while I was in my previous relationship, God heard me say some things that He is preventing me from saying in the next relationship, which could explain why he is allowing each person to reach their 100% mark before negotiation any deal between the two parties. (haha)

They both laugh.

My Friend’s Brother: Boy, you’re funny but definitely, your mother raised you right.

Patrick: Thanks. I’ll send her your remarks.

They both stand up.

In unison: Dessert time!

We both laugh!

Patrick: Yes sir, with all that laughing, I’ve worked out my six pack! Now, I have room!

My Friend’s Brother: Pat, why you had to go there! But still, you don’t have nothing on my ONE-PACK!!!

They head towards the ktichen laughing.

FIN

just let life play.

Let God act as your compass;

it’s always better that way.

Invest my love in this female

or not?

My flesh is telling me,

“She’s hot,”

but since the change in me,

I’ll take my time.

God will show me

right on time.

Should I stay?

Should I go?

He knows.

Is this yours?

Or is it mine?

He knows.

I learned a lesson this weekday:

just let life play.

Let God act as your compass;

it’s always better that way.

Invest my time in a dream that’s broken

or not?

I have no regrets with the path I’ve chosen

or not?

Overall, I’ll consult the Lord

because He holds my future

and He knows whether my dream

would cloud my future.

Should I wait?

Should I go?

God knows.

Is this yours?

Or is it mine?

God knows.

I learned a lesson today:

just let life play.

Let God act as your compass;

it’s always safer that way.

If you don’t know your way,

trust that God has already made a way.

as a present to your Creator.

Love could not be as simple

as loving you has been this winter.

Oh how you love me

throws me into a dream,

where there’s plenty milk and honey.

Forever, I could sleep.

How you love me

can’t be make-believe.

I can feel the coolness when you breathe;

you are my sweet dream.

I’ll gather plump fruits from my garden

to send to your King.

What a gift He has sent me,

a gift so undeserving.

Your presence in my life

throws me into a dream,

where there’s plenty milk and honey.

Forever, I could be.

Oh how you love me

can’t be make-believe.

I can feel the coolness when you breathe;

you are my sweet dream.

Your God has taught his child well;

how you love me so well.

God has taught you well.

pianist’s relics of her Lieberman’s memory

attract them here. They emerge

from her concert grand while her listeners

enter into paralysis. Glittering

she is in the eyes of her listeners;

her finger’s agility only allows me to see blurry

fingers forming heat vapors

at the ivory while under hypnosis.

Gargoyles, leave her be;

I kind of like her seducing me

to believe your presence is not paranormal

and that it’s worth seeing the abnormal.

Gargoyles, let her be;

Now, she shows her listeners how

she resists the movements from Two

to Three: her head jerks

from east to west,

her fingers hitch-hike

from east to west,

her arms measure her sins

from far east and west—

she only knows of original sin.

Seemingly, she enjoys

the company of her paranormal guest;

she shows compassion

to the gargoyles; she escorts

 the gargoyles in many directions;

she commands them

to retreat back into her mind and

back onto the musical score where

she mastered the gargoyle’s recorded musical cries,

and back into the instructor’s hands where

she got the music from,

and back into manilla folder concealed in the music

laboratory where

the gargoyles came from—

a successful feat when she inflicts

the slamming blow

onto the grand piano. The audience

applauses her performance. The gargoyles

subdued. Jesus’ daughter triumphs.

 She converses with Him after her performance

by saying, “Thank You Heavenly Father.”

The sublime lighting dims; the star turned back into an ordinary

person and gives

me—a servant—her

permission to write a poem about her

position and her rendezvous with gargoyles.

She let me do it for free and, she

offered me food from the king’s

table during her feast—just a couple weeks

before Thanksgiving.

Young Poet Breathes

1. Everybody here on Earth worships a god; even atheists worship something.
2. Everybody believes in music and if that person doesn’t, one must not believe in one’s heartbeat.
3. Everyone have seen the residue of showering waters; I shed tears this Thanksgiving morning that left a saltwater trail perpendicular to the horizontal cut I have acquired below my “good” eye.
4. Everybody has had at least three seconds of solace since becoming a permanent resident on this planet.

These are colorless ideas; but as my good friend (wink) has shared with me, “We are all peculiar people.” Therefore, my readers are not subject to take their canoe down this translucent stream, especially they all are aquaphobia. I’ll still love them. 

Young Poet Breathes

1. All of us have fallen in love with someone of the same-sex. I love my Heavenly Father; My love is growing for my earthly father, more weekly than daily; as the little big brother, I love all of my male siblings; I love the little man who officially gives me the classification as being an uncle; I love everybody who wears pants, although I wish to marry a person who was naturally made to look good in knee-high skirts.
2. All of us were initially debt-free when it came down to purchasing air. Air, you and my God know my body well.
3. All of us, when we were a child, had some access to warm milk. Shame on those who didn’t want to pull out their nipples and supply a baby with warm milk when no store brought milk was available in the cabinets, or in the tents, or in the huts, or in the temples.
4. All of us who could somewhat relate or understand thought #7 could not keep their face from reacting once reading thought # 7.

 Colorless? Aquaphobia people, despite being afraid of water, have this stream changed you all’s mind about canoeing on this stream of thoughts?

Young Poet Breathes Breath Three

1. I am not the only person who have had conversations with myself. 
2. I am not the only person who have trouble seeing with my eyes; (Hebrews 11:1 KJV) Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. (Proverbs 3: 5-6 KJV) 5. Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. 6. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Therefore, with these biblical scriptures serving as a piggy-bank of my last two cents, I know that I’m not the only person who have been held by the hand while being taken to a destination where my eyes nor my understanding could officially grasp.
3. I am not the only person who have problems. White people have white and colorless problems; black people have black and colorless problems; red people have red and colorless problems; yellow people have yellow and colorless problems; dead people have breathing problems; living people and dead people have problems. And since we all share colorless problems, maybe one day we can come together and solve these universal problems.
4. I am not the only person with a dream implanted in my head.

Now, I see the rainbow people’s reflection casting off of the surface of this stream. They and I have gathered at the river. What a joyous day.

I am not an African-American from Harlem; I am an Arkansan. However, I, too, am like my brother in Harlem. I, too, am like my sister in Compton. I am in unison with Parisians, bands of Asians, poor and well-heeled Europeans, English and French-speaking Canadians, chocolate-lover Belgians, humbled Germans, warm-tempered Russians, my Ukrainian brother, dreaming Mexicans, sun-baked South Americans, my African ancestors, outback Australians, and potato-loving Irelanders (I love buttered mashed potatoes) because of the colorless truths that we all share as fragments of the entire human race.